NICE, France - The long awaited birth of Brangelina's latest publicity venture in the form of allegedly naturally conceived and delivered human baby twins occured last evening after what seems like months of speculation and promise of their arrival. One day old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt and her brother Knox Pitt-Jolie are said to be in excellent condition by Doctors at the seaside hospital on the French Riviera where the celebrity couple finally "delivered" on their shrewd business commitment to produce the most financially lucrative baby pictures on the planet.
But initial reports from the Jolitt-Pilie camp suggest that the all-white offspring may fall somewhat short of the expectations placed upon their new life by family and handlers alike. David Shaw, agent to Knoxienne Jitt-Plolio seemed very underwhelmed in his first reports to the French press.
“The delivery itself was relatively uncomplicated. Angiolie is doing quite well. But…well we’ll just see how it goes for the babies.”
When pressed about his hesitation to discuss the twins, Shaw appeared not only disappointed but even somewhat pained in his response:
“To be honest, I just thought they’d be hotter.”
Shaw refused to elaborate on his assessment of Voxienne’s appearance, but others close to the family and the hospital openly discussed their similar disillusionment in the babies’ commercial viability.
“It’s a little distressing actually,” offered Dr. Michel Sussman, Jangolittsie’s obstetrician. “I don’t think anyone with a financial or even emotional interest in these babies expected them to appear so unremarkable. They aren’t deformed or anything, but both children have extremely average features. I’m happy they are healthy, but when I agreed to be a part of this project, I have to admit I did expect the result to be different. I just thought they’d be hotter.”
Relatives of the Polittlio family supported the overall dissatisfaction with the product.
“I’m not saying they aren’t normal,” an anonymous family member urged. “I’m saying they ARE normal. A little too normal in fact. And quite frankly, a little chubby. Knox has no visible abs at all, and Vivienne’s lips look like, I don’t know, regular baby lips. I just want to cry. I don’t see how anyone is going to sell their pictures for $20 million, and I can tell you that was the figure on the business plan when Brad and what’s her name decided to go through all this.”
As word of this disastrous return on Brang’s investment spreads throughout Hollywood’s publicity machines, some industry spokespeople are even starting to show skepticism toward the couple’s claims.
“He emailed a picture of them to me.” Explains George Clooney, friend of the family and reported investor in their baby scheme. “And I think someone should look a little deeper into this. This is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie we’re talking about here, and these babies look like they could have come out of any healthy white couple! It’s total bullsh*t!”
Paparazzi continue to surround the hospital where the newborns and parents rest following their apparently failing business endeavor, although reports late this afternoon suggest that attention is shifting as Brangelina are already leaking stories of a potential violent breakup scheduled for late fall, should the un-hot twins scam prove unprofitable.
But initial reports from the Jolitt-Pilie camp suggest that the all-white offspring may fall somewhat short of the expectations placed upon their new life by family and handlers alike. David Shaw, agent to Knoxienne Jitt-Plolio seemed very underwhelmed in his first reports to the French press.
“The delivery itself was relatively uncomplicated. Angiolie is doing quite well. But…well we’ll just see how it goes for the babies.”
When pressed about his hesitation to discuss the twins, Shaw appeared not only disappointed but even somewhat pained in his response:
“To be honest, I just thought they’d be hotter.”
Shaw refused to elaborate on his assessment of Voxienne’s appearance, but others close to the family and the hospital openly discussed their similar disillusionment in the babies’ commercial viability.
“It’s a little distressing actually,” offered Dr. Michel Sussman, Jangolittsie’s obstetrician. “I don’t think anyone with a financial or even emotional interest in these babies expected them to appear so unremarkable. They aren’t deformed or anything, but both children have extremely average features. I’m happy they are healthy, but when I agreed to be a part of this project, I have to admit I did expect the result to be different. I just thought they’d be hotter.”
Relatives of the Polittlio family supported the overall dissatisfaction with the product.
“I’m not saying they aren’t normal,” an anonymous family member urged. “I’m saying they ARE normal. A little too normal in fact. And quite frankly, a little chubby. Knox has no visible abs at all, and Vivienne’s lips look like, I don’t know, regular baby lips. I just want to cry. I don’t see how anyone is going to sell their pictures for $20 million, and I can tell you that was the figure on the business plan when Brad and what’s her name decided to go through all this.”
As word of this disastrous return on Brang’s investment spreads throughout Hollywood’s publicity machines, some industry spokespeople are even starting to show skepticism toward the couple’s claims.
“He emailed a picture of them to me.” Explains George Clooney, friend of the family and reported investor in their baby scheme. “And I think someone should look a little deeper into this. This is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie we’re talking about here, and these babies look like they could have come out of any healthy white couple! It’s total bullsh*t!”
Paparazzi continue to surround the hospital where the newborns and parents rest following their apparently failing business endeavor, although reports late this afternoon suggest that attention is shifting as Brangelina are already leaking stories of a potential violent breakup scheduled for late fall, should the un-hot twins scam prove unprofitable.
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