The Best Country in the World. Drive One.

Now that the excitement from the election is leveling off and we are focusing on real issues that face the new administration, it’s time for a bit of a reality check. Yes, we have shown the world that we are tolerant and open-minded, and that we care about things other than war. I’m sure there is some PR value in that somewhere, but it could come at a serious price if we aren’t careful. With a thoughtful, pragmatic and even level-headed new President about to take office, we are in danger of losing the most important element of our status in the world, that being our K.A.R. That’s right, our Kick-Ass Rating. That uniquely intangible quality that supersedes fickle and unpredictable things like a strong economy, educational standings and foreign relations, and keeps the USA in the position of "most enviable country ever" just by always being the most unapologetically awesome nation God ever put on this earth.

The Kumbaya moments and brotherly love nonsense are all well and good as long as they are meant to serve our historic interest in showing the world that we are superior to everyone else in every single way, but it appears that we are forgetting about what ultimately drives that point home; that the message of goodwill and understanding is best delivered in an excessively big, excessively loud and excessively American voice.

It’s up to all of us to recognize when our K.A.R. is being diminished, and more importantly, when attempts are being made to preserve it. Now is one of those times. The force that has not only represented our toughness and united national belligerence, but has actually existed to define it for decades, is in need of our support, and our government seems positioned to deny them that help. I am of course talking about the American Automobile Industry. Specifically, the “Big 3”: GM, Ford and that other one I can never think of.

We may have forgotten how important large American vehicles are to our freedom and way of life, but the companies that make them sure haven’t, thank God. And despite the fact that we have all apparently been too distracted or too lazy to do our part by going out and buying them, the Big 3 are committed to continue building them. And as the direct beneficiaries of the superiority these trucks provide, we need to pay for them one way or another. The proposal couldn’t be more simple: If consumers are not buying the Hummers and Escalades and F1Million pickup trucks that sit on showroom floors all across the country, they just need to make more. A lot more. Before long, car lots will be jam-packed with shiny new commuter-tanks and there won’t be any more room for the hatchbacks and coupes and hybrid shoeboxes we have been irresponsibly buying instead. In fact most of those tiny foreign cars will likely be crushed under the new shipments of Detroit Liberty machines.

This past week, the heads of the Big 3 took matters into their own hands and went before Congress expecting what they had every reason to expect. Our money. I thought it was characteristically big of them to forgive us for neglecting to physically purchase their vehicles and make the transaction easier on us by accepting our payment in the form of a check supported by our tax dollars.

And what did Congress do? They had the nerve to ask for a plan detailing how it would be repaid. What an insult to the people who have, for years, worked so closely with in-house creditors to ensure that any American could own a $75,000.00 SUV regardless of their income, regardless of good credit, bad credit or no credit at all!

Wisely, the CEO’s of these huge, failing companies did not show up with a plan of any kind, just a figure. Freedom doesn’t need a plan other than how to get the cash it needs to endure. Approximately 25 Billion Dollars. You’ve heard it before, Freedom isn’t free. It generally comes at about a 50% manufacturer markup and retails on average for 8% above sticker. But not to worry, Freedom also has attractive financing for customers who qualify. And the American Dream of every man, woman and child to be the biggest badass on the block qualifies.

If you are still not convinced that our K.A.R. is worth the support of your tax dollars, you are seriously missing the point, and you need to stop Tivo-ing past the commercials during football games that tell you everything you need to know about the importance of owning ferociously huge and powerful hunks of steel with V12 engines and 22” wheels.

Take this typical Ford Truck ad for example. This demonstration says it all.












While the VW Hitler mobiles and Korean made tin cans on wheels talk about gas mileage and reliability, Ford tells us what we really need to rely on. They aren’t needlessly worrying about things like environment and economy when they appropriately brag:

“You may never need to tow a 30,000 pound airplane, but it’s good to know you can stop one.”

You’re Goddamned right it’s good to know that. Because you know who loves airplanes? Terrorists! And the next time a group of Freedom-hating foreigners tries to destroy our way of life, I’d rather not count on some pantywaist elitist Fauxmerican trying to outwit them in his clever “Smart Car”. I’ll take four disc brakes and 300 hp of towing power please.

If you don’t want to stick around and help our automobile manufacturers preserve everything that continues to confuse and scare the hell out of the rest of the world, you can drive your hybrid sissy-transporter all the way to Canada on one gallon of gas if you like. I’ll stay here and save my country from killer planes, with Toby Keith blaring through my 5.1 Cabin Surround Sound with 10 speakers. Or Kelly Clarkson. Whatever. When I jump in my ridiculously large, unaffordable, environment-killing behemoth, I will remind our enemies just how crazy we are even if it takes an entire tankful to drive the length of the runway and defeat them.

So let’s open up the wallets, America, and save our well-earned reputation. Freedom and Supremacy look good on you. Don’t say you can’t afford it, there’s always a way. Maybe we can stretch the payments out a couple extra years, and take that anti-American “conscience” of yours that convinced you to buy a Prius as a trade in? I think I speak for the entire American Automobile Industry when I say: What do I have to do to put you all back behind the wheel of the most Kick-Ass country in the world today?