The GOP: Finally giving women the right to choose…

For all of you women out there who have been fighting for a right to choose, you’re about to get it. Oh, it may not be the choice you had in mind, but don’t worry, it’s the choice the GOP knows you deserve.

And you can thank John McCain for it. Go ahead, take a minute. Finish doing your hair up pretty, putting on your pretty face or feeding all your babies with your pretty breasts, whatever it is you do on a Sunday afternoon after you thank God for the men in your lives who look out for you and protect you, and then say thank you to John McCain.

The GOP isn’t responsible for the mess females have created this election season. They have consistently done everything they can to save you from yourselves, but that wasn’t enough. You wanted to pretend that your gender has a place in our government and in our nation’s decision making positions, and you couldn’t just be satisfied with the appropriate roles the conservative party has allowed you to occupy. I’m talking about the silent, stoic, pretty face behind the president, the Procreator to the commander in chief, white house decorator. Cool girly stuff.

But lately I guess your soap operas and coupon clubs aren’t keeping your attention as well as they should, because suddenly you found the need to muck up a perfectly well-run system of elections by trying to prove some point. And suddenly we men had to stop doing all of our manwork and deal with the fact that Hillary Clinton was running for President. And that effort was pretty impressive, the way she got so close. It was downright cute the way you all came together and tried to play with the men, but that was never going to succeed. Hillary is not like a regular woman. The GOP knew that and they tried to point it out to you in subtle ways that they thought you could understand, but sometimes there’s no getting through to you gals. Hillary does things a woman shouldn’t ought to do, like argue with men on TV, send her husband to do what she says, and wear pants. So it’s no surprise that she is no longer in this race, and no surprise that the men of the GOP had to take their attention away from the important manstuff they do and fix things for you.

That’s the thankless job the GOP does for you babes time and again, as they do for all areas of the population who make the mistake of trying to think for themselves when they should have better man-serving things to do; they take misguided issues and improve upon them to make them more appropriate to what people really need. Issues you didn’t initially understand, like John McCain = change, and Obama = elitist. It’s embarrassing that you have to be corrected on such things, and really, don’t make them tell you again.

And now you have forced them to redefine the issue of a woman’s role in our society, and they have done so brilliantly. They have even simplified it for you chicks by making it about your favorite complaint: CHOICE.

Now you have a choice, and let’s hope this will keep you quiet from now until November so that the men in charge can do what they need to do to keep this country on the right track.

Ladies, here are your choices:

1. Vote for Obama/Biden. In doing so you will send and confirm the message that has been shouted at you your whole lives, but doesn’t seem to get through those ponytailed heads of yours: That women are not fit to hold an important office, because they aren’t qualified or they are too busy with their babies and their babies’ babies, washing their husband’s snowmobiling suits, or hunting and killing their families’ dinners from a helicopter.

2. Vote for McCain/Palin. To put a pretty, uninformed woman in the position of Vice President, where you can be sure she will be stuck in the farthest corner of the White House and never asked to contribute a thing, you will finally have validated the GOP’s opinions about the role of women in our society: To look good, to always be seen as a fertile baby-machine who isn’t expected to understand important issues and needs to hide behind their stronger male counterparts when anyone points out their faults. And never, NEVER, questions the opinions or policies of the men in her life.

So there you go, ladies, make your “choice”. You can stop thinking about glass ceilings and sexism and what to do with your bodies (other than dressing them up nice for us) and thank John McCain and the GOP for making this a simple choice for you.

Because let’s face it sweethearts, making our broads happy is all that this election is about. All that other nonsense about wars and economies and healthcare…You really needn’t worry your pretty little heads about that.