The GOP: Finally giving women the right to choose…

For all of you women out there who have been fighting for a right to choose, you’re about to get it. Oh, it may not be the choice you had in mind, but don’t worry, it’s the choice the GOP knows you deserve.

And you can thank John McCain for it. Go ahead, take a minute. Finish doing your hair up pretty, putting on your pretty face or feeding all your babies with your pretty breasts, whatever it is you do on a Sunday afternoon after you thank God for the men in your lives who look out for you and protect you, and then say thank you to John McCain.

The GOP isn’t responsible for the mess females have created this election season. They have consistently done everything they can to save you from yourselves, but that wasn’t enough. You wanted to pretend that your gender has a place in our government and in our nation’s decision making positions, and you couldn’t just be satisfied with the appropriate roles the conservative party has allowed you to occupy. I’m talking about the silent, stoic, pretty face behind the president, the Procreator to the commander in chief, white house decorator. Cool girly stuff.

But lately I guess your soap operas and coupon clubs aren’t keeping your attention as well as they should, because suddenly you found the need to muck up a perfectly well-run system of elections by trying to prove some point. And suddenly we men had to stop doing all of our manwork and deal with the fact that Hillary Clinton was running for President. And that effort was pretty impressive, the way she got so close. It was downright cute the way you all came together and tried to play with the men, but that was never going to succeed. Hillary is not like a regular woman. The GOP knew that and they tried to point it out to you in subtle ways that they thought you could understand, but sometimes there’s no getting through to you gals. Hillary does things a woman shouldn’t ought to do, like argue with men on TV, send her husband to do what she says, and wear pants. So it’s no surprise that she is no longer in this race, and no surprise that the men of the GOP had to take their attention away from the important manstuff they do and fix things for you.

That’s the thankless job the GOP does for you babes time and again, as they do for all areas of the population who make the mistake of trying to think for themselves when they should have better man-serving things to do; they take misguided issues and improve upon them to make them more appropriate to what people really need. Issues you didn’t initially understand, like John McCain = change, and Obama = elitist. It’s embarrassing that you have to be corrected on such things, and really, don’t make them tell you again.

And now you have forced them to redefine the issue of a woman’s role in our society, and they have done so brilliantly. They have even simplified it for you chicks by making it about your favorite complaint: CHOICE.

Now you have a choice, and let’s hope this will keep you quiet from now until November so that the men in charge can do what they need to do to keep this country on the right track.

Ladies, here are your choices:

1. Vote for Obama/Biden. In doing so you will send and confirm the message that has been shouted at you your whole lives, but doesn’t seem to get through those ponytailed heads of yours: That women are not fit to hold an important office, because they aren’t qualified or they are too busy with their babies and their babies’ babies, washing their husband’s snowmobiling suits, or hunting and killing their families’ dinners from a helicopter.

2. Vote for McCain/Palin. To put a pretty, uninformed woman in the position of Vice President, where you can be sure she will be stuck in the farthest corner of the White House and never asked to contribute a thing, you will finally have validated the GOP’s opinions about the role of women in our society: To look good, to always be seen as a fertile baby-machine who isn’t expected to understand important issues and needs to hide behind their stronger male counterparts when anyone points out their faults. And never, NEVER, questions the opinions or policies of the men in her life.

So there you go, ladies, make your “choice”. You can stop thinking about glass ceilings and sexism and what to do with your bodies (other than dressing them up nice for us) and thank John McCain and the GOP for making this a simple choice for you.

Because let’s face it sweethearts, making our broads happy is all that this election is about. All that other nonsense about wars and economies and healthcare…You really needn’t worry your pretty little heads about that.

John McCain's Vetting Process

First, I think it's very sad that Sarah Palin's daughter has to go through the experience of a teenage pregnancy in public. I really feel bad for her and her boyfriend. It's not fair.

I am, however, once again astounded by the McCain campaign's lack of research and understanding throughout this process, and this news just shows how little they did to investigate Sarah Palin's situation before plucking her out of obscurity to play their little game.

I did some research of my own, and found a copy of the actual vetting document McCain sent to all potential running mates, and clearly they left themselves open for some surprises.

Question 11 should never be optional...

A Beauty Queen from Alaska walks into a Presidential Election...

Hey everybody, so get this! John McCain, the semi-senile, confused, out of touch Republican Presidential candidate just picked his running mate. Check this out: She’s from Wasilla Alaska, she’s a former beauty queen, she’s got like no experience and she hunts moose with her bare hands. And McCain chose her to be his Vice President! Isn’t that funny?

Hello? Did you hear what I said?

Oh, you already heard this one.


Ok, fine, but listen to my hilarious take on it: She’s like this hockey mom with 5 kids and she makes McCain look even older than he already does, and they think she’s going to win over women voters even though her views are completely opposite of what most women want or need!

Get it?

No?

Alright then, I’ll do my dead-on impression of her, which happens to be the same voice I do when I recite lines from any character in the movie Fargo, except instead of “So is that your friend in the wood-chipper then?” I say things like “What does a Vice President do every day?”
Ha! Get it? See because she’s so inexperienced and lives in a state that is practically another country, I’m portraying her as someone so unqualified that she would say she doesn’t even know what a VP does!

Zing! Nailed that one…Ha ha!...what?

She actually did say that? Holy shit.

Wait, come back! I can make this funnier, give me another chance!

What is happening to me? I used to be someone who could get a few laughs by ranting about real issues and putting my own unique comic spin on them. Why can’t I do that anymore? Today I feel like the guy who just repeats lines from a Seinfeld episode that everyone has already seen and laughed at, and expects credit for remembering the bits and reciting them verbatim.

I got nothing. Yesterday I heard the news about some unknown Governor named Sarah Palin being picked as the Republican Vice President nominee and I actually started to drool a little bit. This is just the kind of stuff I like to make fun of!

So why doesn’t my skewed view of this surprising news seem funny to anybody? Not even to me?

Oh, no. I know what this is. The McCain campaign has somehow stumbled upon the perfect defense plan for the ridicule they previously seemed so vulnerable to. They have turned the country’s sense of humor back in on itself! It’s like the whole two negative charges make a positive thing, or something like that. It’s a goddamned self-awareness double-reverse! When reality becomes so ridiculous that to flip it on its head actually makes the comedian seem like the one who isn’t joking, that is Satire Kryptonite in its purest form!

You can’t satirize a group of people who are capable of creating real-life scenarios so far beyond that of human imagination that the mere facts generate a daily supply of comic genius without any interpretation.

And it isn’t just me. I noticed this disturbing trend appearing elsewhere as soon as the news broke. As much as I love my daily doses of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s twists on political events, as well as most of the MSNBC comedians’ straight-faced “analysis”, I did find most of their jokes on the Palin story a little…predictable. It was as if I’d heard them before. In the news reports. One of the most important elements of a good joke involves a certain level of surprise. It’s hard to be clever about something everyone can see coming. That comic edge doesn’t come from pointing out what everybody already realizes, it comes from doing the unexpected. Like, I don’t know, for example… CHOOSING SARAH PALIN AS YOUR RUNNING MATE!

Look out funny Americans, John McCain is defeating us at our own game.

I thought for a while that it might actually be good for our national humorists to see John McCain win the Presidency. Sure it could completely destroy our civilization in a hurry, but we’d go out laughing. I realize now that we must work even harder to keep him out of office, as clearly he even intends to take away our basic right to feel superior to him through mockery. We can’t laugh at someone who beats us to the punch line.

Stay focused, America, at least we now really know what we’re up against.

And say, did you hear the one about the guy who wanted to overturn Roe v. Wade and once called his own wife the C-word in public, then went on to pick a female running mate just to convince women that they should vote for him because he cares about their rights?

What’s that? Yeah, I don’t get it either.